Problem (#500)

So... I am using my g-mail and when I attempt to go to my "sent" files to find some old e-mail...I forgot what... when a yellow box appears at the top of the screen. 

"Oops... the system encountered a problem (#500)" or something like that. 

There is a little clock counting down when it will try to do what ever it was doing. Next to that are the blue highlighted words "Retry now." 

So I retry. Same result. Only now the clock is reset to a longer time. Before it was one minute. Now it's one minute fifteen seconds. 

Hmm. I think I have just been put in the penalty box for 15 seconds for my impatience. Let me see.

So I "retry" again.

Now the timer reads 1:45. A thirty second penalty! 

I look around. No. I am not carrying a 600 year-old elfen wizard on my back and this is my study, not a swamp. So, no, I am not here to learn patience. 

What the hell is Problem #500? 

I retry again. 2:08. Penalty box me, will ya? But 23 more seconds? Weird.

Curious. I open a new tab and then open G-mail. No problem #500! Cool! Send a test e-mail. Out it goes. I find a sent e-mail from my other e-mail account and reply to it. Hit send. Aaannnnd... ding!... it shows up on my phone. I then look at old tab. The countdown clock is now reading 4:41.

From the old tab, I notice that my activity in the new tab is dutifully recorded without my having to refresh. There sits the test e-mail. But the Problem #500 clock is still ticking.

Apparently Problem #500 has nothing to with my functionality. So what the hell is Problem #500? And whose problem is it?

The numbers are not red, and the clock is not counting down in tousandeths of seconds, so it can't be a bomb. Maybe if I let the clock run down, it will go away?

I let it count down to zero and (Thank you St. MacGyver and all the angels) there is no explosion! But it did reset to 3:00. 

What to do? I know!

I open a new tab and Google "What the hell is Problem #500?" 

The first thing I got was a Google screen asking me to ask the Google Plus community what a Problem #500 is. Or I could go directly to the Google Plus world and find out what other people have said. I choose that. Others have asked this question. I am not alone. 

There is very entertaining conversation between some IT techs sharing war-stories about Help Desks I Have Known. Funny. But not enlightening.

So I scroll down and find that it has to do with some problem at a server in Googleland. What problem? Doesn't say. 

I envision that there is some lowly tech who has had to spit out his coffee, and run around looking to reset some switch that has gone wonky and that my request (whatever that was... by now I've forgotten) is hanging out there in cyber space causing a light bulb to blink in helpless digital frustration.

3:37.

Just for giggles, I open another new tab and go to Bing and ask "What the hell is Google problem #500?" This generates an ad--cleverly disguised as a search engine answer-- that tells me, in effect, that I would not be having this problem If only you were using Bing! 

So "would you like to make Bing your default search engine?" 

"Certainly not! Are you mad?!" I click.  

No answers for you! Next!

There are no answers on my first g-mail screen either. The clock is now reading 5:13. Minutes and seconds, I presume, but now I am not so sure.

At first I imagined the tech whizzing off through some windowless warehouse sized server farm on a Seqway to fix that errant switch. Now I think that perhaps he is deep into his phone rescuing Kate Upton from dragons and trolls on company time and has shouted to no one in particular "Can't you see I'm busy!" 

Or maybe he's lost in the warehouse. Or maybe the Segway ran out of juice because the last tech forgot to plug it in. Or there is no Segway and maybe he...has...to...go...on...foot through a lonely, dark warehouse sized server farm, at 3 am Pacific Time. 

Or the tech is lost in some swirling vortex where time is running backwards!

Or he doesn't know what Error #500 is either and is flipping through a fat notebook right now, cursing. 

Timer: 7:37. 

Now totally bored and seeing that there is apparently nothing is wrong with anything I really care about, I say "The heck with it." And close the tab. 

I'll bet Google loses a lot of techs this way. They disappear into warehouse sized server farms like so many socks in dryers. And when the user signs out while the clock is still running... Oops!

I smell a gift subscription....

h/t "Friends of Jake"

How's that again?

I always thought it was "the Dali Lama walks up to a hot dog wagon and says to the guy...."



h/t to Church Mouse.

Speaking of charisma and order....

H/T to the Episcopal Cafe:

Health care paperwork applied to churches

MEMORANDUM
To: All Parishes
From: Diocesan Office

Starting this year, in order to standardize parish contributions and better predict parish cash flows, we have implemented a fee-for-service Eucharistic coding and billing system. Rather than rely on haphazard donations from parishioners, pledges turned in at the last minute, etc., parishioners will be billed for each Eucharistic encounter.

For the purposes of coding and billing, all bishops, priests, and deacons will simply be referred to as “Eucharistic Service Providers” (ESP’s). Parishes are free to establish billing rates for services, as long as they are not below the minimum allowable billing rate as established by the Diocese (printed on the Diocesan web site). It is unscriptural to entice members from another parish to your ESP by offering a rate lower than the minimum allowable billing rate for Eucharistic services, and is considered against the mandate in Prayers of the People, form III, that ESP’s be “faithful ministers of your Word and Sacraments.”

Parishes will submit weekly billing to the Diocese: At the end of the month the Diocese will issue statements that will consist of an Explanation of Eucharistic Benefits (EoEB) as well as a monthly bill for Eucharistic services rendered.

Parishioners are free to purchase individual Communion Insurance Policies (CIP’s). The names of these providers should be turned in to the church secretary of each parish and this information submitted to the Diocese. Parishioners should keep in mind, however, that some policies require pre-approval from the Bishop, and may only authorize a given number of trips to the Communion rail per calendar year or only pay for Eucharistic services performed in our Diocesan network. For a list of all network providers, again please refer to our web site. All parishioners also need to sign and file a statement with the Diocesan office that they will be responsible for any Eucharistic billing over and above amounts allowed by their CIP, or for all services rendered if they do not have a CIP.

Parishioners who wish to donate over and above their billable Eucharistic services are also free to establish Home Parish Savings Accounts (HPSA’s) and can also donate to the parish by this means. Some employers may have pre-tax benefits for HPSA’s and parishioners should also check with their employers for these possible options.

Statements for billable Eucharistic services will be due 30 days after the issue date; a 2.5% surcharge will be added to payments in the 30-60 day due range. Payments in arrears of greater than 60 days will be turned over to the Lucifer, Inc. collection agency.

Parishes who submit weekly Diocesan billing electronically will receive a 1.5% discount on their Diocesan pledge. Mission congregations, because of their rural location, will receive a 2.5% bonus in Diocesan aid if billing statements are electronically submitted within 48 hours following Sunday services.

How Eucharistic Fee-for-service Billing works:

As each parishioner enters the church, the greeter will distribute tucked within the bulletin, a Eucharistic Encounter Form (EEF). Pencils should be readily available for parishioners at the pews; we suggest your Altar Guild add this to their duties.

Each parishioner should check the parishioner demographic and level of service most applicable for EACH member of your household. A sample EEF is provided in this bulletin. Feel free to personalize these with your church logo, and use fonts that you feel would be attractive for your parishioners. Statements that major credit cards or PayPal payments are welcome at the bottom of your EEF often result in faster payment. Billing code groups are Parishioner Demographic (PD), Eucharistic Level of service (ELOS), Spiritual Need (SN), and any applicable modifier.

Parishioners should sign the statement at the bottom that they are intending to receive only the Eucharistic services they predict will be rendered.

EEF’s should be turned in the collection plate at the offertory. This method also frees bursars from handling large amounts of $1 bills and loose change, which can be time-consuming. Following church services, we suggest bursars arrange the EEF’s in alphabetical order in order to expedite submission of Eucharistic billing by your church’s secretary.

Any parishioner questions about Eucharistic coding and billing should be directed to parish clergy or to a Eucharistic billing specialist (usually only available in larger parishes.)

Sample Eucharistic Encounter Form

(Your parish name, address, logo, etc.)


Parishioner name __________________________________________

If you are a visitor or have changed address, please provide it in the space below:



Parishioner Demographic Code:

❏ PD31601 Regular attendee, baptized, confirmed (attends services more than 2x/month)
❏ PD31602 Occasional attendee, baptized, confirmed (attends services less than 2x/month but more than 1-2x/year
❏ PD31603 Eucharistic screening exam only (Christmas/Easter)
❏ PD31604 Baptized but not confirmed
❏ PD31605 Heathen
❏ PD31606 Out of network attendee (visitor in good standing from another church)
❏ PD31606 Other attendee, not otherwise specified___________________________________

Eucharistic Level of Service:

❏ ELOS14301 Eats wafer, drinks wine from chalice
❏ ELOS14302 Dunks wafer in chalice, eats intincted wafer
❏ ELOS14303 Wafer only (small children/alcoholics/wine allergy)
❏ ELOS14304 Blessing only; no wafer, no wine (Infants/unsure if should partake)
❏ ELOS14305 Sat in pew, didn’t go up
❏ ELOS14306 Dropped wafer on floor, looked sheepish
❏ ELOS14307 Other Eucharistic level of service, not otherwise specified _________________

Spiritual Need

❏ SN66601 Usual and Customary Life Stressors
❏ SN66602 New or Temporary Acute Life Stressor(s)
❏ SN66603 Recent Illness(es)/Death(s), whether self/family member/friend
❏ SN66604 Domestic Partner Life Stressor(s)
❏ SN66605 Other family member/friend/extended family Life Stressor(s)
❏ SN66606 Deep dark secret unknown to clergy
❏ SN66607 Deep dark secret of a sexual nature, unknown to clergy
❏ SN66608 Other Spiritual Need, not otherwise specified ______________________________

Modifier Codes:

❏ -59 Sudden decrease or cessation of income
❏ -60 Unchurched person who suddenly felt need to attend church
❏ -61 Won lottery or had sudden windfall to income

Certification:
I, the undersigned, state that the Eucharistic services checked are a reasonable and accurate account of the Eucharistic services I intend to receive at Communion, and understand that failure to code accurately is considered “bearing false witness” as outlined in Ex. 20:16.

____________________________________________________
Name and Date

h/t to Maria L. Evans
See the original here.

The only thing I see missing here are services provided in the home by certified eucharistic technicians (CETs). Or is that a separate form? --atg+

To grandmothers house we go....

Cartoon of the day

Pat Oliphant draws an image of the Episcopal Church-of-the-Eastern-establishment that for the most part doesn't exist, but the idea is still amusing.

Non-sequitor: Welcome to heaven

Grumpy cat

See more funny videos and Cute Animals Videos at Today's Big Thing.

The culture war of our time

Automatic egg cremer

I just have this thing for Rube Goldberg-type devices...perhaps that's why I am Episcopalian. Here is an example:

Physician's Desk Reference for Anglicans

Father Tobias Haller has put his finger on the pulse of Anglicanism and come up with this compendium of common maladies affecting our Church and our Communion. Here is a sample:

Akinolism A bipolar condition marked by alternating bouts of bravado and sullenness, with periodic eruptions separated by longer quiescent periods. Patients exhibit inflated but easily damaged egos. (see “Peter’s Pout” and Abujamania.)

Benign apostate enlargement An inflammation of the apostate gland, caused by an aggravated sensitivity to differences of opinion. Passing the “stone of dispute” can lead to significant pain but causes no real damage.

Covenant dermatitis Obsessive compulsive disorder in which the patient collects a number of similar but otherwise unconnected things and attempts to assemble a single new entity. Often treated by simply putting all of the objects into a single drawer with a neat label, which appears to relieve all but the most extreme cases. Popularly known as “The Itch.”

Griffith’s standfirmity A condition characterized by rigor and pallor, often mistaken for catalepsy or death; can be treated by application of cardiac warming and softening. Physical therapy is often useful in a full recovery of arm motion enabling a larger embrace.

Haller’s Complaint Condition first characterized by Griffith in 2009; a delusion in which the patient continues to believe himself to be part of a Christian church, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. Incurable but not fatal. Best treatment is to ignore; will eventually go away whether treated or not.

Loopus episcopaliensis Malady in which the patient thinks he can believe anything he wants. Condition becomes critical in bishops, causing them to turn purple and burst, spreading the infection further. (See Benign Spongiform Episcopalitis)

Pluralsy Condition characterized by bloating and loss of muscle tone, with fluid buildup due to inability to separate truth from error. (see Pluriforminoma, Griswoldism.)

Primatism Condition in which patient imagines himself to be an Archbishop even though he has no province. A number of cases have been cited in the past; at present isolated to the Pittsburgh area. CDC warns it may spread if encouraged, or even if not.

Wright’s Tic Condition in which an otherwise completely sane and healthy person is given to occasional irrational outbursts of short duration but great intensity, in which he appears to forget everything he knows in his field of expertise.

Read the rest here.

There is probably no [blank].

MadPriest in running a bus slogan contest.

In England, Wales and Scotland, a group of atheists bought ad space on buses and bus shelters saying "there is probably no God. Now stop worrying and start enjoying your life."

It was a only a matter of time before Christian groups starting fighting back with ads of their own. Come to think of it, it was only a matter of time before some parody appeared.

Go here and see how your own ideas look on a bus ad. The essential formula is this:

A porpoise driven life

I think I have the killer curriculum for my next adult education series.



From the book jacket: "Just like Prosperity preaching, the Porpoise-driven life uses all kinds of bible translations to make you feel like it's truly biblical..."

HT to Scott Allen via Facebook and others.

By popular demand: The Highway Code, Part I

Many people who enjoyed the Weather Forecast told me about this.



The possibilities for adult education and formation are endless.

Hi! I’m Baby Jesus. Hope you enjoy my blog!

User Profile: I am the Son of God, the Prince of Peace and the Messiah. I am also good with tools.

Likes: Carpentry, Fish, Hugs

Dislikes: Money-changers, Cruelty, Shaving

What I’m Doing Right Now: Various people are bringing me laud

12/25/0

4:33 a.m. Hi, I’m Baby Jesus. Welcome to my blog! It’s a place where I can write down my feelings about stuff and junk, tell you about what’s going down here in B-hem and keep you up to date on the redeeming of mankind. Enjoy!

4:54 So this is antiquity. Question: are there always this many cows around?

7:22 I don’t know about these swaddling clothes. Swaddling is pretty 10 B.M. (Before Me) if you know what I’m saying. What do you think? Answer my online poll.

10:36 Just spent the last 90 minutes being adored. Next up: an hour, maybe two, of being beheld. Surprisingly fatiguing.

11:51 Man, this is awkward. There’s this kid who’s been playing his drum for me for, like, ever. Which is great and everything, and the ox and lamb seem to be enjoying themselves—but has no one in this town heard of a melody? Maybe if I smile at him he’ll stop.

12:08 p.m. Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum. Oh great, now that’s going to be in my head all day.

Read the rest: Hi! I’m Baby Jesus. Hope you enjoy my blog!

Normal for the time of year

Updated: I want to echo Mark Harris in congratulating the hard-working team at T19 for finding this gem. I think the many uses of Anglican Chant in presenting the news should be explored. I suggest ESPN be next.



I agree, Kendall and T19 elves. We should pay attention to the "Not Taking Ourselves Too Seriously Department" whenever possible. Thanks!

Update: I have posted another work by the Master Singers. The Highway Code, Part One.

Sooner or later we all encounter an error

If you think this is bad, you should have seen what happened when they tried to run the Matrix on Vista.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Cat in a box

There are at least two lessons here:
1. Being good at something requires practice.
2. Always maintain your dignity no matter what.

You, sir....!

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.